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December 25, 2007 (Day 122)
It's Christmas time now....4 months have passed since the discovery of the mass. Still hanging onto every moment of every day. My heart remaining constant in this quest before me. Thankful for every opportunity to give and receive love. This is tough! The chemo treatments, actually the effects of the chemo, are draining. This experience is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. Between the physical discomforts and the mental games that your mind plays, I find myself at a low point. I hold on to all the positives with all my strength, but it feels, at times, that they are slipping through my clinched fingers.
I got a job working for a local Case Management company. I start the first week of January. I'm thankful for that. It will be good to focus on something other than cancer and treatments.
I'm starting to feel the cumulative physical effects of the chemo. My abdomen, feet and legs are swelling, I'm puffy in the face and around the eyes and my legs are getting very weak. It feels like when you work out and get that "burn". It's getting difficult for me to go up and down stairs and to walk long distances. Every trip to chemo I've gained more weight. I've gone from 137 post op to 160. YUK! These drugs cause water retention and I could be a poster child.
Emotionally I'm trying to stay positive. Some days, I just cry. I do a lot of my grieving privately. I know my husband gets tired of seeing me down. Some days, I just can't hide it though.
The holidays were good. Deanna got the computer she wanted. Several of us pitched in. I did all my shopping online. Boy, what a blessing that was! Christmas at our house with all the local family. It was nice and I was thankful, but this year Christmas was dark.
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