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I'm up early, the air is crisp and the sun is just beginning to rise. I pace the patio, I love the mornings. The birds seem especially active this morning, flying from feeder to feeder, singing and flittering. I turn the water fountain on so I can enjoy the sound of the water and put on my Celtic CD. I try to sit in meditation on my yoga mat. It's difficult to meditate when you're crying. My dogs are curious and begin to sniff and lick. Do they sense something is wrong? I'm sure they do, dogs sense things. I cry constantly barely taking a breath. I begin to write my eulogy, decide what music I want played at my funeral. Cremation or burial? Neither damn it! I think about how in love I am with my husband and how long I waited for him to find me. We've only been together for 3 yrs. for christs sake! I think of my children and how much I adore them and don't want to leave them. My daughter newly pregnant and my grandchildren. I'm angry at my absence of future. I think of my parents, siblings, in-laws, entire family, friends, my mind and heart flooded, uncontrolled, chaotic. I think of the bamboo we just planted and all the work we've done in the yard in preparation for our Japanese garden. I think about our new house we just moved into 3 months ago. I think, I cry, I cry.
Finally it's time to call my doctor and I'm told to be there at 1 pm. My in-laws meet us at the appointment. We're told by Dr. Peeden that it doesn't appear to be cancer, blood is drawn for ovarion cancer markers. She spends a lot of time with my husband and myself. I'm thankful to have such a caring and compassionate doctor. I feel reassured. She tells us that I need surgery which shouldn't be delayed and refers me to her associate, Dr. Tatum. We leave with a sense of hope. It feels good after the morning I had.
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